Supporting Families Through Loss
Supporting the Family
Pregnancy and infant loss comes with lots of emotions, questions and need for support. Grief can be presented in many ways and look different to all experiencing it. Keeping this in mind while supporting someone during this difficult time is important. Having support from a professional doula, a friend who has experienced loss and community/online resources can aid the healing/coping process.
Loss can occur during early pregnancy, after 20 weeks (stillborn) or after birth, no matter how long the baby is with the family the loss is still felt and the grieving time is different for each person and family.
Offer to help the family with their memorialization and/or funeral. Services may vary depending on the family’s culture, religion or personal preference. If the family is comfortable you can assist them in organizing their plans. Ways to help include: calling the funeral home (this may be painful for parents), setting up a donation in the baby’s name, participate in a Walk for Remembrance and Hope and communicating the details of the memorial event to the family’s community of friends and other relatives. Each family is unique so it’s best not to assume how they plan to memorialize their baby; some choose a private and intimate ceremony or memorial, others a large gathering and others none at all. Most important is to respect their decision and be there for support and love.
How to Support Mothers
Many mothers experience a wide range of emotions; anger, sadness, guilt, confusion and many more. Allowing new mothers to experience and feel these emotions are part of the coping/healing process. Being present and genuine when asking “How are you?” She may say very little or share her story; either way you must be actively listening and ready to comfort her. Offer to help her in specific ways, for example “Could I pick up groceries for you this week?” or “Could I bring you lunch Wednesday?” The answer may be no and that is okay, offer again in a couple weeks. Check in regularly, allow her to share with you openly and honestly without judgement and offer support on meaningful days such as birthdays, mother’s day and due dates. It is also supportive to use the baby’s name (if given) and have the mother tell you about the baby. Another way to support a mother during loss is to help her with self care. Her body will feel the effects after delivering. Connecting her with resources and information on what to expect physically in the coming weeks can ease the transition. Offering to go on walks, do laundry, clean around the house, or pick up pads and medications.
How to Support Fathers
Often the majority of the concern and support is directed to the mother, but it is important to support and be there for the partner/dad as well. They too just suffered a great loss and their mourning may be expressed in a different way than their partner. Societal pressures can cause dads to not show feelings of sadness or grief, many men will mourn their baby alone privately. It is important to let the father/partner know that it is okay to express their emotions and ask for help/support. Encouraging them to confront the grief instead of avoiding it; asking how they are feeling and talking about their baby can be helpful ways to ensure they feel supported. A commonly seen coping strategy for men is to stay busy and engaging in activities. Offer specific activities to do together such as; “Would you like to get lunch together Friday?” or “Could we go to the gym together Monday evening?”. Support in this way may not feel like much, but just being there and having someone trusted around helps them to feel comfortable opening up. Again it is important to be sincere, kind and understanding of the partner’s mourning process and be there to support him in whatever way suits him best.
How to Support Children
Loss can be difficult for children to understand. You can help the parents by picking up the child from childcare/school, making meals, playing with them, and any other way that helps the child stay in their daily routine. Staying in a routine and providing a constant and trusted figure will help the child cope when their parents may be distracted with their own mourning.
Children under 3 have no concept of death but do have empathy. They will notice the change in mood and empathize with parental sadness. Support them by giving lots of hugs and cuddles to reassure him/her that it will be okay.
Preschool aged children (3-5 years) begin to understand death but do not see it as permanent. It is common for them to ask a lot of questions and talk about death often. They too need physical reassure that you are still there for them.
Children under 10 have a concept of death, they know that people die and so will they some day. They may become fearful of death and avoid the topic all together. Support these children by allowing them to express their feelings, letting them know they are okay and talk about the baby.
Middle school aged children (10-12 years) take death very personally and understand that death is forever. They need to be told that they are allowed to feel what they feel and that you are there for them. They can become distracted and need extra support with school work. Let them know that they can get through this and so will his/her parents.
Teenagers (13+ years) understand what happened and will confide in close friends when talking about the death of the baby. It is important to remind them to share their feelings and seek support from those around them. All children should be included in their siblings memorization and/or funeral by finding ways for them to participate and include their feelings. For example; sharing their artwork, creating mementos, and celebrate special days as a family.
How to Support Grandparents
Often not given enough support are the baby’s grandparents. For some it may be their first grandchild or they have multiple, but the loss still impacts them heavily. Grandparents also feel pain for their daughter or son going through the loss. They will also go through a wide range of emotions and handle the grief in many ways. Remind them to take care of themselves as this will be most helpful to their children. Encourage them to talk openly with their daughter or son as they may need parental advice on decisions such as funerals or other family practices around death and loss.
How to Support Yourself
While it is wonderful to support a relative or friend through their trying time. It is important to remember yourself. Allow yourself to feel grief and all emotions. You don’t have to burden yourself with everyone’s pain; you can support them without pushing yourself too hard. Just as you tell the family not to rush the grieving process, you too can take the necessary time to heal/cope. Know your limits; don’t offer to do too much at once. Sometimes just sitting together can be the most comforting thing for everyone.
Support Dos and Don’ts
Do allow the parents to feel all their emotions.
Do listen and say something.
Do use the baby’s name.
Do provide resources for the parents.
Do say you are sorry.
Do offer to help.
Don’t try to answer their “why” questions.
Don’t use “it” when talking about the baby.
Don’t tell them how to feel.
Don’t say “everything happens for a reason” or “I know how you feel”.
Don’t put grief and mourning on a timeline.
Don’t give advice without being asked.
Support Services:
Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss is a national organization for anyone going through the death of an infant. They offer support for everyone in the family. They have support groups, resources, online groups, memorial events and training for health care providers. They have around the clock professional ready to support you through this tragic time.
Star Legacy Foundation is a non-profit that cares for families going through the death of a baby as well as works to reduce the number of lost pregnancies and neonatal deaths. The support research of infant death and preventative measures. They offer support to families going through loss with companion services and group support. The offer resources and education to families and health care providers.
March of Dimes offers resources for families as well as the March for Babies walk.
Infant Loss Organizations this website provides over a dozen infant loss organizations that can help you connect with other families and find support.
Blue Ridge Angel Babies - Sylvia Buchanan at 828.682.0047 - resource@blueridgepartnershipforchildren.org
Hickory Pregnancy Loss Support: Pregnancy Care Center of Catawba Valley
421 Main Ave. SW, PO Box 9423, Hickory, NC 28603, Janet Shores, RN | 828-322-4272 | asstdir@pcchickory.com
Cherished Mom - Tricities TN/VA - Perinatal Grief & Loss Support Group - 1st & 3rd Fridays @ 4pm (Virtual)