Growing Your Postpartum Support System
Having a baby can bring about a lot of changes within your life, some like having to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings, changing way more diapers than you ever thought possible, and learning to have a flexible schedule are all things parents prepare for when having a baby. What is not so common to hear talked about, is how relationships with your partner, family, and friends may change. So what are some of these changes that may happen and what are some ways that you can grow your support system during your pregnancy to be prepared for when these changes may occur?
Why Do I Need A Support System in Place?
Why is it important for me to have a support system in place prior to giving birth? After giving birth approximately 70-80% of new moms experience what is known as the “Baby Blues”. The baby blues consists of things such as unexpected mood swings or negative feelings that typically last for around two weeks. Research suggests that 1 in 7 moms and 1 in 10 dads experience what is known as postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). PMADs include depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), bi-polar, and psychosis.
Having a support system in place can help reassure you that there will be people in your life who are willing and ready to support you as you adjust to life with a newborn. Talking with your support team about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders prior to giving birth can allow time for your support team to be able to start educating themselves on the various types of PMADs. It can sometimes be hard to verbalize how we feel or to recognize our own behavioral changes while your partner, doula, family, or friends may be able to help recognize the symptoms of various PMADs and can help to provide the support and help you need. To learn more about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders check out our blog “More than Baby Blues…”
Talking To Your Partner
Having and introducing a new baby into your family causes various changes within your life as you and your partner adjust to the schedule and needs of caring for a baby, the needs of each other, as well as caring for your own needs as it may be difficult to fully rest or have time for self care like you are used to. To help reduce some stress of parenthood, it can be important to specifically share how you are feeling and what you need as well as discuss roles and responsibilities with your partner during the pregnancy period. Questions like “Who is going to be doing midnight diaper changes?”, “Who will be the main one to care for pets?”, and “How will household responsibilities be shared?” can all be important to discuss prior to giving birth. Keep in mind that while you may be discussing these roles and responsibilities, it's important to be flexible as you figure out what routines and roles work best for your family as it may constantly shift as you get adjusted.
Part of growing your support system includes growing a strong relationship with your partner. After having a baby, partners may often feel a disconnect in their relationship as the time that usually is spent pouring into the relationship is now being focused predominantly on caring for and meeting the needs of the baby. Taking time to talk with your partner about both of your thoughts, feelings, and needs can act as a check-in to help you and your partner to know how to best support each other. Setting aside time each day to pour into your relationship doesn’t have to be anything large such as a night out but can be as simple as watching a movie or TV show together while the baby is asleep, taking a walk together, or grabbing coffee or take out from a favorite restaurant.
Putting Boundaries in Place
Pregnancy is the perfect time to begin talking to family and friends about boundaries that you would like to put in place during your postpartum period. Boundaries set clear guidelines or rules that honors your needs and wants to ensure that you feel respected and safe. Examples of common boundaries you may put in place during pregnancy could be your wishes concerning visitors after birth, expectations concerning visits, or your wishes concerning receiving advice.
Let's start with discussing having visitors after birth. Maybe you and your partner have discussed not wanting any visitors for the first few days or weeks as you adjust to a new family dynamic or perhaps you are open and wanting to have family and friends come visit during the adjustment period, either way is completely acceptable! Discussing these wishes with your family and friends however is important so that they can know what ways to support you best either through coming over or by keeping their distance for a while. You may also want to discuss with your support team about whether you are comfortable with people popping in unannounced or if you rather them call ahead and schedule their visits. Another thing to consider is how many people you are comfortable coming over at a time. Is only one or two people going to be allowed at a time? Maybe three or four? When people visit what boundaries would you like to set concerning expectations? Would you like them to maybe help with household chores or preparing food? Would you rather them sit and hold the baby so you can have a few moments to yourself?
What are some boundaries you could put in place concerning advice? With anything, but especially with a baby, people have a lot of advice ranging from the best way to get a baby to sleep to the products you should or shouldn’t buy. Are you the type of person who likes having lots of resources or opinions when it comes to making decisions? If so you may want to let your support team know that you're open to suggestions and advice from them but be sure to take these suggestions with a grain of salt as what works best for some people may not work for your situation or family and that’s okay! Maybe you are the type of person that prefers minimal to no advice from family and friends and that’s okay too! Be sure to discuss this boundary with others and if someone is not respecting that boundary, it is okay to remind them that you are not open to advice or suggestions at the moment and if they consistently push the boundary it is okay to tell them that you would prefer to limit your interactions with them until they can respect your wishes.
What About My Social Life?
A study recently completed by the British Red Cross found that 90% of new moms feel lonely after giving birth and 54% said that they felt as though they had no friends. With this information on how a majority of new moms feel this way, what are some ways you can grow your social circle to reduce the risk of feeling so lonely after giving birth?
One way to help ensure a strong support system following birth may be scheduling specific times to see family and friends. For a person who enjoys spontaneity or last minute trips with friends, you may find it strange to schedule specific time with others before the baby is even born. While you don't have to have the first month or week postpartum planned, starting the conversation now can help ensure that you know there are certain days such as maybe every Monday or every other Monday that a certain friend or person may come visit. You may also work with someone in your family, friends group, or with your partner to find someone you can trust to watch the baby for 30 minutes or an hour so you can go get lunch with friends or run errands so that you don't feel as isolated at home.
A common change, yet one not often talked about is the way your support network shifts and expands. After having a child, parents naturally become more interested in wanting to be around people who are in a similar common life place that may better understand what they are going through compared to friends that are single or childless. A great place for parents to grow these connections is to look within your own local community for peer support groups. These groups can allow space for sharing milestones and concerns as well as receiving advice from other parents. As your child grows older, this change in friendships becomes more noticeable as the parents of your children's friends start becoming your own friends. While your friendships may begin shifting towards those who are in a similar situation to you, this does not mean that you need to or will lose previous friendships. As mentioned above, scheduling times with friends can be a great way to ensure you stay connected.
You may also find it beneficial to place a boundary with your friends about how much of the conversation you are comfortable being centered around the baby. While people will be curious as to how you and your partner are adjusting to the baby or asking how well the baby is sleeping, placing a boundary on how much the conversation can center around your little one is beneficial to you and your friends. For you friends, especially those who are single or without children, this boundary may help them be more comfortable in conversation as they may feel overwhelmed by hearing about things such as feeding schedules or how long your baby naps. For yourself, this boundary can be even more crucial in ensuring that you feel seen and heard for who you are instead of just being seen as a caregiver for your child.
Why Add a Doula to My Support Team?
A great way to grow your support system starting at pregnancy is through connecting with a doula! Labor doulas are able to be a support person for you as you deliver your baby through helping you labor and focusing on your emotional wellbeing and physical comfort during birth. After birth a labor doula can work with you on establishing feeding and bonding with your baby. Postpartum doula’s continue that care into your transition home as they can help you with:
Breast and bottle feeding
Teaching new parenting skills and information
Recover from childbirth
Getting more rest
Receiving practical help within your home
Here at High Country Doulas’ we also provide part-time, night-time, and live-in care options to help provide the best support to you and your family! Check out our blog post “Thoughts of a Postpartum Doula” for more information about how a postpartum doula can support you.