Postpartum Mood Disorders for Dads and Partners
Here are a couple of articles that I have pieced together that talk about Postpartum Mood Disorder that Dads/Partners can experience. Sometimes it happens. It’s not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Don’t suffer alone, get the support you need.
Just like pregnancy can affect the whole family, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders can affect the whole family too. Here are some tips that might help you along the way. Remember that you will get through this with help and support. There is no magic cure and sometimes recovery seems slow, but things will keep improving if you stick to a plan of healthcare, support and communication.
Conventional wisdom holds that a mother's postpartum depression is triggered largely by hormonal fluctuations—and studies show that a man's hormones also shift during pregnancy and after birth, for reasons that are still unknown. Testosterone levels drop; estrogen, prolactin, and cortisol go up. "Evolutionary biologists suspect that the hormone fluctuation is nature's way of making sure that fathers stick around and bond with their baby," explains Will Courtenay, PhD, LCSW, also known as "The Men's Doc," author of Dying to Be Men (Routledge, 2011), and the founder of the website SadDaddy.com.
Those hormone fluctuations—paired with the neurochemical changes that occur in the brain as a result of sleep deprivation— can create the perfect storm for male postpartum depression, says Dr. Courtenay.
One in ten dads gets postpartum depression, and up to 18% develop a clinically significant anxiety disorder such as generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder at some point during the pregnancy or the first year postpartum.
Common symptoms of Perinatal Depression and Anxiety
• Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and insecure
• Sadness, crying, hopelessness
• Anger, irritability, frustration
• Repetitive fears and worries
Tips for Supporting Maternal Postpartum Mood Disorders
How to Help Your Partner
• Reassure her: this is not her fault; she is not alone; she will get better.
• Encourage her to talk about her feelings and listen without judgment.
• Help with housework before she asks you.
• Encourage her to take time for herself. Breaks are a necessity; fatigue is a major contributing factor to worsening symptoms.
• Don’t expect her to be super-housewife just because she’s home all day.
• Be realistic about what time you’ll be home, and come home on time.
• Help her reach out to others for support and treatment.• Schedule some dates with her and work together to find a babysitter.
• Offer simple affection and physical comfort, but be patient if she is not up for sex. It’s normal for her to have a low sex drive with depression, and rest and recovery will help to bring it back.
Dealing with her Anger and Irritability
• Do what you can to make sure she eats regularly throughout the day, because low blood sugar results in a low mood and frustration. Have healthy and easy snacks on hand. • Do your best to listen to the real request at the heart of her frustration.
• Keep the lines of communication open. Verbalize your feelings instead of distancing from her. It is helpful to take a break if your tempers are hot, but do get back to communicating. • If she is expressing anger in such a way that you can’t stay supportive, you might say something like, “I want to listen to you. I know this is important, but I’m having a hard time because you’re so mad at me. Can we take a break and talk about it later?”• Ask her how you can help right now. If she doesn’t know, make some suggestions.
Things to Keep in Mind
• You didn’t cause her illness and you can’t take it away. Postpartum depression and anxiety is a biochemical disorder. It is no one’s fault. When her brain chemistry returns to normal, she will feel like herself again. It is your job to support her as this happens.
• She doesn’t expect you to “fix it.” Many partners feel frustrated because they feel inadequate or unable to fix the problem. She doesn’t need you to try to take the problem away. This isn’t like a leaky faucet that can be repaired with a new washer. Don’t suggest quick-fix solutions. This isn’t that kind of problem. She just needs you to listen.
• Get the support you need so you can be there for her. We frequently see the phenomenon of the partner becoming depressed during or after his wife’s depression. You can avoid this by getting your own support from friends, family, or professionals. You should make sure to get breaks from taking care of your family. Regular exercise or other stress-reducing activity is important so you can remain the solid support for your partner. Provide a stand-in support person for her while you’re gone.
• Don’t take it personally. Irritability is common with postpartum depression/anxiety. Don’t allow yourself to become a verbal punching bag. It’s not good for anyone concerned. She feels guilty after saying hurtful things to you. If you feel you didn’t deserve to be snapped at, explain that to her calmly.
• Just being there with and for her is doing a great deal. Being present and letting her know you support her is often all she’ll need. Ask her what words she needs to hear for reassurance, and say them to her often.
• Lower your expectations. Even a non-depressed postpartum woman cannot realistically be expected to cook dinner and clean house. She may be guilt-tripping herself about not measuring up to her own expectations and worrying that you will also be disappointed. Remind her that parenting your child and taking care of your home is also your job, not just hers. Your relationship and family will emerge from this crisis stronger than ever.
• Let her sleep at night. She needs five hours of uninterrupted sleep per night to complete a full sleep cycle and restore her biorhythms. If you want your wife back quicker, be on duty for half the night without disturbing her. Many dads and partners have expressed how much closer they are to their children because of nighttime caretaking. If you can’t be up with the baby during the night, hire someone who can take your place. A temporary baby nurse will be worth her weight in gold.
What to Say:
• We’ll get through this.
• I’m here for you.
• If there is something I can do to help you, please tell me. (For example, care for the baby, run her a warm bath, put on soothing music.)
• I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, how can I help?
• I love you very much.
• The baby loves you very much.
• This is temporary.
• You’ll get yourself back. As she recovers, point out specifics about how you see her old self returning; such as, smiling again, more patience, or going out with her friends.
• You’re doing such a good job. Give specific examples.
• You’re a great Mom. Give specific examples, such as “I love how you smile at the baby.”
• This isn’t your fault. If I were ill, you wouldn’t blame me.
What Not to Say:
• Think about everything you have to feel happy about. She already knows everything she has to feel happy about. One of the reasons she feels so guilty is that she is depressed despite these things.
• Just relax. This suggestion usually produces the opposite effect! She is already frustrated at not being able to relax despite all the coping mechanisms that have worked in the past. Anxiety produces hormones that can cause physiological reactions, such as an increased heart rate, shakiness, visual changes, shortness of breath, and muscle tension. This is not something she can just will away.
• Snap out of it. If she could, she would have already. She wouldn’t wish this on anyone. A person cannot snap out of an illness.
• Just think positively. It would be lovely if recovery were that simple! The nature of this illness prevents positive thinking. Depression feels like wearing foggy, dark, distorted lenses that filter out positive input from the environment. Only negative, guilt-ridden interpretations of the world are perceived. This illness is keeping her from experiencing the lighter, humorous, and joyful aspects of life.
Healthy Strategies for Dad’s
(Dr. Daniel Singley, www.dadsexcel.com, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5e1Tqaxxo8)
1.) Proactively check in with your partner before things escalate
2.) Have/Make social connections regularly (dinner dates, friend dates, etc.)
3.) Do a root cause check in: I’m angry, what else are you feeling (frustrated, anxious, etc.), check to see what other things may be causing stress or tension (tired, finances, stressed at work, etc.)
4.) Work to keep Mom healthy (physically, emotionally, socially, spend quality time together, etc.)
5.) Early on have one on one Dad/infant time (this is bonding time and it gives Mom a break)
6.) Take time to keep yourself healthy (exercise, spend time with friends, read, etc.)
Remember. . .
Any parent may become depressed when a new baby comes into the family; it completely changes the usual family dynamics. It doesn't mean you are a bad or "not together" parent. In fact, getting treatment and support helps you care for your baby and your partner. You and your family don't have to suffer silently. There is help available.
All children deserve the chance to have a healthy family. And all parents deserve the chance to enjoy their life and their children. If you are feeling depressed or another mood disorder, don't suffer alone. Please tell a loved one and call your doctor or counselor right away. If there is any concern that you are going to harm yourself or your child, then seek immediate help.
Randy Fehdrau, MSW - Positive Parenting Practitioner